'The King Has Left the Helm . . .

Word has it that world-renowned sailor Russell Coutts has been likening himself to no less than Elvis Presley, The King of Rock’N Roll (Maybe he’s the new King Neptune, the top Shellback, as Skipper, Head, CEO, Top Daug of BWM/Oracle soon-to-be Racing syndicate?).

He’s been seen, some say, on World Tour in Memphis (at Graceland - - hey, they have a little yacht club and plastic trophies), that’s in Tennessee, guys, (and who knows where else in Europe, he’s put in appearance, anywhere there are two buoys and a starter pistol).

They say he's been a-singin’, a-grinnin’ and a-pickin’. He’s appeared just about anywhere there’s a one-design to be had and an owner willing to serve as tactician or tie some bowlines. Has he really renamed his 44-footer: “Caught in a Trap” or is it “Heartbreak Hotel?” While Mr. Coutts probably can’t sing a lick, he certainly can brag of scary sailing credentials as he jet-sets the globe in search of concert venues and more silver (that’s trophies, to the uninitiated): Three-time winning skipper of America’s Cup yachts (1995, 2000 and 2003), and two-time Farr 40 World Champion, not to forget his Olympic Gold medal in Finns (which has to be one of the most uncomfortable boats ever to be sailed, since you have to hang over the side and look cool the whole time, but there’s only one sail to mess with, leaving you plenty of time to strum a few tunes). ‘Course, Farr isn’t big on seats, either, so you gotta stand, as per usual.

Your Blogster has it on good authority that he has it he’s been seen all over Europe, carrying a portable trophy case in one hand and Oracle software gift-pack in the other. Since July, he’s been “acting” as chief cook and bottle-washer of the BMW Oracle Racing team for the 2009 America’s Cup, but he surely must have been missing that day when they announced: “To win it, you gotta be in it.” (That’s also the NY Lotto organization’s advertising campaign; we can send him the DVD.) Can’t you talk to Larry E. about joining the America’s Cup 2009 party one of these days? Tic, toc, tic, toc.

Nevertheless, to carry off The King persona, Mr. Coutts has to do the following (tongue in cheek, of course), but if he’s really serious about this stuff - -

1. Buy a white, sequined sailing suit, complete with white (non-skid) cowboy boots and a Gore-Tex cape, with stand-up collar, and a stack of silk mufflers (he can toss them at the boats behind him or at doting race officials or protest committees).

2. Start smiling out of the side of his mouth and let his hair grow - - not long, but HIGH (keep it standing straight up and slicked-out with graphite winch lube).

3. Make some homey sailing movies in Hawaii (Elvis made 31 of these clinkers, so you’d better hurry up to beat the King’s record). Don’t worry, they have little plot, even less acting and, besides the good guy (The King) always gets the girl and the boat and her daddy’s money. Not to forget the billion records he’s sold (not bad for someone whose been dead 30 years). Are there a billion races out there to be won?

4. Go the Disneyworld and get some photos taken of him on the Waterworld movie’s trimaran, “driven” by another King look-alike (Kevin Costner). That weird and fast tri sits ignominiously tied up alongside Mickey, Minnie and a bronze statue of Pluto captaining a brigantine, grasping a huge ship’s wheel and sporting a yellow Sou’wester.

5. Take up guitar (you don’t have to play it, just wear it while skippering), buy a 1961 White El Dorado convertible with red leather, and get some babes to hang on his every batted lash. These cars (you can still get them in Florida) feature a 7-foot long hood, with kingly Cadillac hood ornament, and make you feel like a man when you slide behind the wheel….. That’s 500+ horsepower out front and room for all your groupies out back on the convertible-top’s parade cover. They also have enough room in the trunk for a couple of Z-3’s. (“It’s good to be King,” as Mel Brooks would say. “Count de Monee.”)

6. Start saying little phrases like “Oh, Shucks,” “Tweren’t nothing,” and “Yawl are too kind to me, too kind.” “Let me play another one…. This one’s for my mother…..”

7. Toss out all his black, wrap-around sunglasses and turn them in for The King’s mirrored automotive goggles with chrome sides and portholes.

8. Start wearing Olympic Gold Medal around town and one’s for the New Zealand Commander of the British Empire and Distinguished Companion of New Zealand Order of Merit.

9. Or maybe just it’s time for him to gain 75 pounds, starting having his manager fleece him, and turn to uppers, downers and painkillers to get him through the day.

Please remember, Mr. Coutts, you have to ENTER the building before you we can say: “Elvis has left the building.” [Maybe he’s still brushing up on the words to “Hound Dog” and “Love Me Tender”….. But that’s another story.] Being King definitely has its responsibilities and a lot to live up to. Are you up to this sort of media pressure? Can you really sail wearing a cape and playing riffs?